3. When my partner and I were newly dating…
Watching your friend fall in love while you’re in a relationship may lead you to make comparisons. For instance, you could think back to the time you were completely smitten with your lover, with whom things have now become more peaceful.
You may even use your early relationship days as a template for how your friend’s relationship should progress, saying things like, “My spouse would always pay the bills when our relationship was new. Your spouse ought to as well.”
Although these comparisons might be made with the best of intentions, your friend’s new relationship may suffer as a result. Justin Buckingham, a social psychologist and researcher, found that comparing our close relationships to those of others can exacerbate feelings of uneasiness and discontent in those relationships.
Furthermore, even though it’s likely that your buddy is already comparing her new relationship to yours or others’, adding to the tension by making your own comparisons could make your friend feel even worse. Not to mention that your friend can have different relationship standards than you do.
Comparing relationships is helpful, but, only in the context of normalizing difficulties. In a Cosmopolitan article, relationship expert Esther Perel said, “Listening to a friend talk about her personal struggles (like how she handled her partner acting strangely) can help normalize how you feel about your current situation.” Your inner monologue changes from one of despair (Oh no, nobody else is experiencing this) to one of relief knowing you’re not alone.”